Monday, February 12, 2007

Man Laws? MAN LAWS.

This is the only blog I will ever make that is not in my own words...
My mother emailed me this...
I don't like doing bulletins, so this is going up as a blog...

(Originally Adapted 12 February, 2007)

The Guys' Rules­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down.

Finally, the guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.) We always hear "the rules" from the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!

Please note.. these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports! It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
***Subtle hints do not work!
***Strong hints do not work!
***Obvious hints do not work!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something. Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color! Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong... We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.

Pass this to as many men as you can -to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh.

I'm back.
I had to share this one, it was so damn funny...
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.


Friday, February 09, 2007

Oh, Dear Lord...

Okay... there's a lot of things I want to get off my chest today. Let me get this one out of my system first...

Leave That Girl Alone!
Grown-ass men all over the world (I admit, myself included) are mourning the loss of model/actress/tabloid fodder Anna Nicole Smith. The coroner in Florida has announced that prescription drugs are in her system. That does not bother me. Now, it will take 3-5 weeks to determine the cause of her death. That also does not bother me.
What does bother me, however, is the fact that there were two grown-ass men who are fighting over her now five-month old daughter. Larry Birkhead, Smith's ex, claims that he is the father of the child. Smith's lawyer-turned-significant other Howard K. Stern (I call him the other Howard Stern) claims he is the father. And now, a third man is saying he's the father: Mr. Zsa Zsa Gabor, Prince Frederic von Anhalt.

You K-Fed leech bastards.

A kid's never gonna know her mother, and she's probably gonna grow up thinking, "Daddy only adopted me because of my mother's money"! A five-month old girl has no mother, and we're still having some goddamned babydaddy drama?! What's next?! K-Fed's gonna say he's the father?! Stop. Now. Resolve this quickly, and get the money out of the way; it's not an issue. Put that baby's well-being first! (And don't get me started on the Texas oil millionaire Anna Nicole married, because that's another story.)

And as for the selfish greedy sons of bitches who videotaped the paramedics working on her: Let Anna Nicole be (God rest her soul). Make your money elsewhere and leave her alone!

Rest in Peace, Anna Nicole Smith. You deserve it.

The Government Does it Again...
According to Wikipedia's article on (Daylight Savings Time [DST] )

DST commonly begins in the northern hemisphere on the last Sunday in March or the first Sunday in April and ends on the last Sunday in October. However, due to the U.S. Energy Policy Act of 2005, beginning in 2007, the United States will begin observing DST from the second Sunday in March until the first Sunday in November. (Studies will determine if this remains permanent.) Most of Canada will also observe the new period to avoid possible economic losses from confusion with the United States.

I hope to God that they allow technology to catch up on this. They've had two years, I have to download a patch right now.

Otherwise, thanks for nothing, Government...

Not Another Scandal Already (or "You Ain't Woman Enough To Take My Man"...)
I almost forgot about this one: Lisa Nowak, an astronaut, a mission specialist, and a Captain... In The Navy (pun intended), had it all going for her... and she threw it all away. Nowak was upset that Air Force Captain Colleen Shipman was apparently trying to go after the object of Nowak's desire, William Oefelein. Nowak drove all the way from Houston to Orlando (she wore an adult diaper for this "special" trip), caught up to Shipman, and sprayed mace on her so-called rival. Nowak was found with a trench coat, a black wig, a BB gun, a four-inch buck knife, a new steel mallet, black gloves, rubber tubing, plastic garbage bags and about $600 in her possession. At her hotel, authorities also searched her car and found: a letter written by Nowak which police said "indicated how much Mrs. Nowak loved Mr. Oefelein," along with latex gloves, opened packages for both a buck knife and pepper spray, an unused BB cartridge, handwritten directions to Shipman's house, copies of e-mails from Shipman to Oefelein, and extra adult diapers.

From an NASA Astronaut and a Navy Captain to a space cadet and a punchline with kidnapping and attempted murder charges all because of a jealousy bug?

Lisa Nowak, I hope it was worth it.

That's it for me, gang. I'm looking for that patch now...

Thursday, February 01, 2007

Commentary: News of the Weird

Excuse me for cutting to the chase already, but there are some things I need to get off my chest...


For those who watch [adult swim] on Cartoon Network, you'll understand the title. The blip on the Time Warner juggernaut is getting publicity... albeit bad publicity. A publicity stunt promoting one of my favorite shows, Aqua Teen Hunger Force, went haywire. Seems someone at TW came up with the idea of using blinking electronic devices plugging the show. The idea was to place the devices at various points across the United States in ten random cities. Of those ten cities, Boston didn't think it was cute. In fact, it sent Beantown in a panic... especially since some of those devices were put on bridges. (Huh?!) Two people were arrested, TW apologized, but Boston is planning on going after TW.

And I don't blame them.

Look, you wanna plug a show, fine. More power to you. But to plant electronic devices at random areas? In a post-9/11 world?! Obviously, two words came to mind when they saw those devices: "Bin. Laden." TW called it a publicity stunt. Boston took it as a hoax. I'm with Boston on this, and TW should have known goddamn better. Suffice it to say, ATHF will be joining South Park on my "Shows I'm No Longer Watching" list. And if they don't get their shit together, I'm cutting [adult swim] out altogether.

The Man Sticks It Right Back

I read a disturbing article in Scene ( this week, and it's one more for The Establishment: The Man was under pressure for a recount of the 2004 Presidential election. The Man told three of its workers how they wanted their recount handled: pick 3% of the precincts voted, presort ballots according to leading candidates, so that witnesses can get it over with. But, The Man forgot it was illegal. The Man then remembered it was illegal. The Man convinced its ambulance chasers towards the three workers. Now, two of those three women, who did as The Man told them, were found guilty of negligent misconduct, and failure to perform their duties. The women were cleared of rigging the count, though.

Cold comfort.

The Man needed a fall guy, and got three in the process. Why couldn't The Man admit its mistake? "We screwed up, these women were doing what we told them to do." But instead, they got, "These women tried to rig an election because they didn't want a laborious recount." The decision-makers made themselves look like victims, and three of its loyal employees got the shaft as a result.

Our Tax Dollars At Work.

At The Risk of Angering My Niece (and the Harry Potter fanbase)...

(sorry, not big on Potter)

And finally...
I'm looking forward to the Super Bowl this weekend. As soon as they get the football out of the way, we'll get on with the commercials. Like I said last post, screw the game, 'cause the Browns ain't in it.

But that's just me...

Goodnight, gang.