Off the top of my head...

So, Spring Training has started. WOO-HOO!

And yet another Cleveland Sports Team will fail us as they always do!

Give credit to the Tribe... at least they come to play, win or lose. They are the only Cleveland team, other than the Cavaliers, that I try not to deliberately insult.

And now, let me run my mouth...


NOT ANOTHER SCANDAL ALREADY (Part II):
Lisa Nowak still faces charges of attempted kidnapping with intent to inflict bodily harm, burglary with a weapon and battery. For those of you who have been subjected to the endless coverage of Anna Nicole (Oh, I'll get to her in a minute), Nowak is the astronaut who drove 800 miles non-stop to confront a supposed rival for her affections. She has pleaded not guilty.

You're found with a BB gun on your personal effects. You had weapons in the trunk. And don't get me started on the fact that you wore Depends for the trip. And you plead not guilty? What judge you know is going to let you off?! You can't plead insanity, because your attack was obviously planned, or seemed to be planned.

Jealousy's a hell of a drug. (Apologies to Rick James)


OK, OK, LET'S GET ANNA NICOLE OUT OF THE WAY
They finally decided where to bury Anna Nicole. Finally, now she can finally get some peace. Now The Other Howard Stern and Larry Birkhead (and the fifteen other guys claming to be one of the babydaddy$) can finally decide who the father of the baby is, settle the dispute with the Oil Tycoon, and leave that woman alone.

Please.


But, if you want to make this a media circus, I have an idea: Send TOHS and Larry (and the thirty other men) to Maury Povich, and get them tested, then broadcast the results for the world to see... and Maury to announce. (Insert obvious "YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER" joke here.)


THE HELL WITH IT. I KNOW I WRONG FOR SAYING MOST OF THIS, BUT...
Dear Britney Spears,

I too celebrated when you turned 18. I debated your bust size with other people ("Real or Fake?" and I said, "Who cares? Look at her, dammit!"). I mourned when you married The Other Jason Alexander and later married Kevin Freederloader. I cheered when you gave K-Leech his walking papers (after he appeared on WWE Television). And I admit, I, like most men, were actively looking for your crotch shot. (At least yours didn't look as beat up as Paris Hilton's, but it was looking a little bit shagged out. Yeah, I said it.)

Yeah, you've had a difficult life. Justin bolted after he deflowered you. Your first marriage ended in 55 hours. You married a man who only loved your money (and only wants custody for that child support). You're hurting right now. We get it.

But the shaving of your head?

Britney, if you want to keep your kids and excise K-Fed-Ex, then whatever you're doing...

Stop, Britney.

Stop now.

Please.


POSTAGE IS ABOUT TO BE HIKED UP AGAIN TO 41 CENTS (AND LATER, 45 CENTS)
And that, gang, is why we have e-mail.


My time's up. Thanks for reading. Don't suck, Tribe.