And now, let me clear my throat...
SQUAWK! Paris Want A Pardon, Paris Want A Pardon
Paris Hilton has been sentenced to spend 45 days in jail for violating probation. Now, America's Favorite Heirhead has issued a petition begging for a pardon. What the hell does she need a pardon for?! Is she ever gonna get a job?!
I was seriously considering signing it until I read the damn thing. The petition says it goes out to "all fans and supporters and all that are outraged by injustice", and calls her someone who "provides hope for young people all over the U.S. and the world. She provides beauty and excitement to [most of] our otherwise mundane lives".
"Beauty and excitement to [most of] our otherwise mundane lives"?
Okay, lock her snooty bratchild ass up.
DUI 2: Electric Boogaloo
Somebody needs to charge "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" host Ty Pennington for metrosexualizing a man's domain (yeah, I know-- Oink Oink). But no, he too got popped for DUI. Unlike Paris, he cowgirled up and admitted that he screwed up. He's facing six months; but on the good side, ABC, which broadcasts the show, has adopted parent company Disney's "moral code" policy: No crime, no fornication, no fun.
Disney: MOVE THAT TY!
But She Told Me She Was Eighteen! I Swear!
Rapper Akon, the latest Flavor of the Month, has recently come under fire for doing a sexually explicit dance onstage with a 14-year-old girl. He has offered an apology to the teen and anyone else who was offended by the display.
I think he needs to apologize to R. Kelly also... that's gimmick infringement, Akon.
And to Michael Jackson, who obviously is shouting, "Little girls?! That's disgusting!"
OJ Gets Tossed
Jeff Ruby, the owner of an upscale steakhouse in Louisville, tossed O.J. Simpson-- disgraced football icon, author of OK I Did It, and one lucky sonofabitch-- from his restaurant the night before the Kentucky Derby because he is sickened by the attention Simpson still attracts (not to mention thathe, and the rest of America, knows that O.J. did it). "I didn't want to serve him because of my convictions of what he's done to those families," Ruby said in a telephone interview Tuesday. "The way he continues to torture the lives of those families... with his behavior, attitude and conduct."
Just admit it and take the perjury record, O.J.
And that will do it until I find some more people to rip on.